Abuse Me is Funny

I've discovered a way that makes me explode like a crazy hyena on Speed. The result is unrequited and unstoppable laughter and joy. It's not a silly pet, a new sitcom, the Sunday funnies, nor a new boyfriend with a questionable sense of humor.

It's my kid.

She is sarcastic as hell. She verbally abuses me with her patronizing tone. She lectures me as if I was a dim witted twit. She is a bitch and a witch in the morning like a Vampire who dislikes daylight and finds no wrong in lashing out her grumpiness in the early dawn. On the exterior, she is cool and calm like a cucumber. In the interior however, get her pie hole going and this girl cracks the driest, meanest, most hilarious, knee slappin'-belly achin'-fetus position on the ground-pee in your pants sayings!

She and I are a t.v. show in the making. Some have gotten a preview of the "Wendy and Fendi Show" where mother and daugher verbally bash each other with one liners and cheap shots. I would like to think I take main stage only because I'm the mother. Seniority rules. When she unabasheldy with private joy jousts me, I retort. However she really is the driving force that brings out the ridiculousness and immaturity in me so maybe I am actually her sidekick. Either way, with Ethel, Lucy is funnier. Without Laurel, there's no Hardy.

The main ingredient to her humor is that she is essentially right about things. She puts a god damn sarcastic spin to make her point biting and sharp. Added that to her dry and calm delivery and you've got a recipe for smart ass teen humor with real wit and insight.

Aside from her personal delivery of insults, her e-mails have me cracking like a loony nutbag just out of the asylum. Her writing magnifies her sarcastic humor. I prefer reading her insults more than receiving it face to face. It's softer on my ego.

At times I want to smack her ass as she disrespects me with her in-your-face-no-holds-barred correction and shut downs. A major slap in the face to me as a mother. After her scolding, I feel like a nimrod with a dunce hat sitting in a corner. However either I'm agreeing with her internal goodness or laughing that I am already defeated and too pooped to fight back. So I give up and just enjoy what is.

Laughter is the best medicine. If that means it's on my account...I'm glad to be the butt of her jokes.