Why do Chicks Talk Forever and How to do it Right

Why is it that women have this insatiable need to talk? And what the hell is there to blab all day? And all night?

There is something extremely comforting if not pleasurable knowing we can hold something in our hand, punch a series of numbers (speed dial if you're a total pro), hoping for a ring tone knowing that our opportunity of happiness near if a human voice appears. That simple act of calling is the beginning of the Chick-Blab-Fest Ceremony. Princess phone, dirty mangled cord kitchen wall phone, sleek Bang & Olfusen substitutes as sex toy phone, Save-On pharmacy's cheap plastic phone, chic metallic Razor cell phone, Blackberry crackberry doubles as t.v. remote control cell phone, Mickey Mouse phone, Barbie phone, Hello Kitty phone....It's all good phone. Requirement: something for your mouth to blab into and something for your ears to hear blab. Advice: speaker phone a plus if hands get tired and allows multi tasking i.e. e-mail or IM a different person on computer to get all your communication needs met. It's not really cheating as long as the other person doesn't know and you can offer a reasonable intelligent response.

There are also many factors to consider when preparing for this ritual. Setting up Shop, Privacy, and Comfort . Setting up Shop is the strategic area where marathon talk will take place as this will determine the ambiance of the highly anticipated experience. Lying in bed or lounging on couch (chaise if you're house is Über avant garde) are for hard core talkers as this set up is conducive to endless hours of chatter, laughter, tears, and heartrending therapy induced session into the wee hours. There are no physical limitation as this is the most sought after bodily position available to date. You can fall asleep immediately and if stretching is needed, just do it-nobody can tell. Privacy is extremely important as you don't want to edit or censor any content of juicy nasty thoughts. You want to be able to say f*&# this and f*&# that as often as needed(because it feels good) and freely express your honest to God feelings without worries of being judged by a passer by. Door closed and preferably locked is ideal as nothing is more of a total boner killer when your lover is creating the mood by romantically describing his triple X rated fantasy of how he wants to ravish you just to have your kids barge in screaming "I'm hungry, what's for dinner!" Bedroom or a place where there is an absence of human traffic is best. Stolen hotel's "Do Not Disturb" sign is a good prop to use for further emphasis, just make sure it's not the "Housekeeping Welcome" side. Pratically you also want to be near a bathroom should you need a quick pit stop and have food within reach for energy sustenance. I will deal later with which kind of food is best to eat while on the phone) It's also a good idea to have writing material handy should you need to jot down pertinent information you won't want to forget such as name of a new diet, phone number of highly recommended therapist, website of closed out discontinued lipstick, etc. When ready to talk forever, think of comforts that would enhance this sport. Change into your jammies, remove all accessories especially earring and hair doodads, go to the bathroom for relief, take off your make up in case you eventually fall into slumber land, and eat before or better yet, prepare snack items to munch on to make this event even more fun-filled. Foods to consider for snacking while on phone should be clean and easy to handle. They should be finger foods or foods eaten from one hand. Food shouldn't be messy, greasy, sloppy, or drippy. Un juicy fruits are good, so are crackers, chips, and cookies (do warn other party in advance as courtesy for some serious cracklin' sound effect), veggie sticks, cheese in assorted shapes, and breads not toast as there are no crumbs to contend with. Chewing gum is okay as long as you're not an annoying person. Soups, noodles and especially the combo noodle soup is tricky. Technically it's doable as long as it's on a flat surface and you can feed yourself with one hand. Slurping is unattractive however you need to prioritize which is more important: being a courteous and likeable phone talker while painfully eating in silence or be the pig you truly are and slurp all you want. Really bad food choices are those requiring two hands usage. Piece of steak, big juicy hamburger with the works, corn on the cob, spare ribs, and fried chicken. If on speaker phone, disregard this paragraph and eat whatever the hell you want. If you have the mute feature, go for the noodle soup combo.

Your telephone partner of choice is the most important criteria to make this gab blab fest satisfying and rewarding. All the highest thread count bed sheets, buffet spread of goodies and silk jammies for maximum comfort is nothing if on the other side of the telephone lies a dead weight or dead fish. Or just dead. Your speaking partner should know how to speak your own language, has no apparent hearing problem, and can effectively communicate comprehension of what has just been said and to articulate an intelligent response.

Chicks like to just talk about nothing and everything. Repetition is key. They like to run off in chronological order of banal things they did for the day and insert experiences in them. "Went to the new dry cleaner and their price is a total rip...The owner was hot though!" Somehow and somewhere relationship is the number one topic chicks will eventually get around to talk about. After the appetizer of "what did you do today", the main course is always relationship based and dessert is the juicy core part of it. If they are talking to their boyfriends, it's delving into needing to know where they are in the relationship. Nothing make dudes run faster than to hear "honey, let's work on our relationship". Any topic remotely near relationship between the two talkers can range anywhere between 1 to 24 hours in length non stop. Again, repetition is key. Between two chicks, the relationship topic is about their past, present and future boyfriends. This topic can range anywhere between 1 to 24 hours in length non stop. Again, repetition is key. If there exists no current boyfriend/girlfriend issue, than the subject of relationship will concern other people's relationship ie. Gossips of people's failing marriage, who digs who, and the everyone's favorite of who's doing who. Single person topic includes asshole bosses, asshole clients, dysfunctional family member, out of control kids, bitches, and pricks. Even total strangers get airtime. "that bitch totally cut me off at the freeway". There will always be a "featured" guest topic. During the talk marathon, a conversation will focus on one person to analyze and criticized for our gossiping pleasure. "What do you think of Mary's new blonde hair? I think she looks like a total skank ho bag. Her boobs are totally fake. She's so totally with that dude for his money... He was so totally hitting at every chick last night...." Again, repetition is key.

There are topics that will always be repeated because we enjoy talking about them. Again, repetition is key. If you really dissect a conversation between two chicks, there really is just a handful of different subjects. The lengthy phone conversation is about beating a subject to death and repeating this topic as it's comforting to know we own it. It's territorial. If you live with someone, for a passer by, it's difficult to discern whether it's a new conversation because all conversations sound the same. Today's versus last week's versus 2 month's ago...Same old same old.

Chicks like to talk about their feelings and emotions. We are creatures that need nuturing. This is free therapy. We listen to ourselves and right there and then we realize the next course of action. As a matter of fact, while your friend rambles on about her new dude or whatever that night's issue is.......Go to the bathroom, grab a snack from the fridge, come back and you'll hear "thanks girlfriend, you always help me out...Now I know what the deal is..." You think to yourself, wow...That was the easiest 15 minutes of doing nothing and you got credit for it. Score. Try it next time, they wouldn't even know you were missing in action. Chicks like to listen to themselves. It makes them feel important as what they have to say makes a difference in the world. That's what boyfriends are for. They exist to listen, a sounding board. They're not big talkers so they might as well contribute to your life to be big listeners. There is also an art to listening. But that's another blog title for another time.

This act of gabbing is two-fold: It's really part therapy for ourselves and those in need and part chick bonding. We communicate to know who we are through talking about everything and nothing and time pass surely fast when you're having fun....