It's the Wrong # 57

I'm sure my mail man is a neat guy and is great at what he does. So why is he making me do his job? Why is he giving me someone else's mail all the time? Unfortunately for the rightful owner, the stuff looks pretty mighty important. Personally I wouldn't want anybody's grubby paws touching my travel document, bills, and financial portfolio.

I often receive mail for the address above me and the address below me. Yes, house #57 doesn't mean MY #57. At the end of the day, it' s no big deal to drop off the mail to the proper address however I am quite aggravated with developped resentment to have to do this task which I get no brownie point or credit except good karma. I feel I need to get dressed, get in my car, drive either up the street or down the street, park the car, lower the window, reach out from my car window and open a stranger's mailbox and then finally to desposit the items. What If I don't feel like going out and doing this.... then what would become the fate of the flight ticket, credit card bill and such? Why couldn't it just be junk mail? Then I would really be doing them a favor by withholding them!

I assure you I've brought this to the attention of Mr. Postman and all victims involved. Mr. Postman continues his job....still wrongful delivery. I'm sure he's a great guy.

What scares me is what if someone else has my #57 mail?

Halloween is your Second Chance

Is there a day that you're allowed to look ridiculous and exhibit your true soul in public without any legal consequence or be rushed to the nearest loony bin? Or be someone who you are not but wish to be? Halloween is really conceptually a "my secret self" day. It's not about the $39.99 cheesy costume randomly chosen and available in all suburban strip malls nationwide, but the deep and thorough character search that creates this alter ego of your chosing.

It's an intuitive subconscious plot, role playing taken to the real world with real live people to support your cause.

Do you suffer from an inferiority complex? You always secretly wish to be a righteous beautiful all mighty Goddess, King, or any cape wearing immortal figure wielding magical super duper power with flowing hair and a phallic prop to bestow blessing and curses to those who cross your path?

Or does your true humanitarian qualities manifest in the form of a fireman, soldier, policeman, captain, doctor, or any primary color wearing Super hero?

Do you find cultures, icons, and objects curious? Elvis, Sumo Wrester, Powder Puff Girl, Betty Ruble, Geisha, Grim Reaper, Jesus Christ, M&M's, Dorothy, Louis XIV, Double Double Burger, Freddy Couger, Groucho Marx and all human figure and things created on this earth.

For the sexually repressed or the sexually insatiable, there is the ho', pimp, and any characters imaginable skanked up. This has become the trend for women's Halloween costumes: to sexualize anything and anybody. Normally conservative, unglamourous and somewhat mundane, these roles have now taken a whole different level of sex appeal. Luscious librarian, mama mia maids,wild and wicked witch, naughty nurse, porn princess, kinky kitty, hottie hillbilly, basically babelicious anybody and of course my favorite, Seargent Sexy. "You're under arrest for possession of a weapon. Whad' you've got there in your pocket? Looks big and dangerous....hands up and bend over while i frisk you....gonna cuff you and give you a good spankin' ...then you tell me who's got the bigger baton, you bad bad bad little boy ...."

But my admiration and applause really goes to those who use scissor, sewing machine and glue. Arts and craft all over. Real treat to see a costume not Made in Taiwan. Best costume I ever saw was a "One Night Stand". No it wasn't a slut in fishnet with 5" heels. It was literally a night stand. He constructed a table (night stand) made from cardboard and cut a hole where his head would stick out. He covered the "table" with a tablecloth and decorated his night stand with a flower vase, lamp, and books. Brilliant. And certainly he got more attention than someone blatantly showing t and a's. As a matter of fact, his noncomforming creativity may have just net him a "one night stand" offer. It's the Law of Attraction at work. He wore his one night stand in hopes of getting a one night stand. Brilliant.

If clothes make the man, consequently, we are what we dress. Your body language, speech, and demeanor becomes the character you create. It's a day we can temporarily experiment being somebody else or show another side of ourself. Your true secret self.

My Thoughts are in My Closet

I discovered a boutique nearby called "Chez Moi". I am literal. This jewel box is in my bedroom closet. Contained and unknown to the outside world, an array of one woman's psychological profile is hidden behind the meaning of her questionable choice of clothing. Women buy things believing this is who we are or hope we are to become. You only need to look into the female psyche at the time of offense to determine her mental and emotional state. Let us examine some of these crimes, shall we?

Item: A white Gianfranco Ferre shirt with exaggerated French cuffs and collar as high as the Eiffel Tower with slashed sleeves from shoulder to wrist. Maybe the seamstress forgot to sew the seams or perhaps Signor Ferre was watching reruns of The Incredible Hulk while envisioning women ripping out of their clothing while raging after work, husband, kids and injustice. This shirt is excessively sexy for work because of the revealing arm and it should not be worn while eating. Essentially, it is a big white bib waiting for a spaghetti spill to happen. State of mind: Probably entering work force with subconscious resentment of a 'real job' and wanted to rebel hence creating drama in a traditionally otherwise boring work place. Thought I could dazzle co-workers once I remove my so very serious dark suit and then, wham bam...the shazam shirt! Think of Chippendale with Velcro pants! With one swoop, the crowd cheers. (In my dream, I get a raise)
Item: Many shoes doubling as walking Christmas ornaments. Flamboyant and loud. Walking object d’art. Eye candy on feet. A Christian Lacroix with heels resembling a stack of mothballs. One size too small. Looks count. Pain doesn't. A black and white stripe Dolce e Gabbana sling with a real cameo brooch, a Baroque masterpiece for I have yet to find a glass case. An ordinary shoebox would be like Marie Antoinette living in a condo. Unthinkable. Countless novelty shoes blinged out: Leather stiletto with real spinning spurs on heel. (Double as a weapon when on a blind date and sexy cowgirl prop in bedroom with the blind date) There are also furry shoes (animal feet) and sequined shoes (happy feet). I have a pair of wooden Geta sandal. (Never know when I might have to perform a tea ceremony) State of mind: Probably bad hair day, bloating and breakouts. Translation: Don't look at me, look at my feet!
Item: A cropped rabbit fur jacket purchased in Italy during a winter vacation with available fruit loop colors in yellow, orange, lime, and fuchsia. I looked like Big Bird's little sister. I went for yellow. State of mind: I was freezing cold. I'm an American. With the long hair and outrageous color, I might for one fleeting second thought I looked hot like a rock star. That or I was reverting to childhood when I once owned a lovely chocolate colored rabbit fur coat. I have been called out as “rich bitch” while adorning this little luscious fur ball of love. I thought I could still look “rich”. I was disillusioned though. It does not even have lining. I was wearing dead dyed animal skin. Did I mention I was cold? State of mind:Decreased air temperature effects sound judgment of the mind. After paying $99 bucks, I was still cold.
Item: A Jean-Charles de Castelbaljac white palazzo pants with one leg entirely an illustration of Jack and Jill. I am a walking one-legged mural. State of mind: no idea. It was probably summer. Increased air temperature effects sound judgment of the mind.
Item: A strapless Christian Lacroix couture ball gown in pink and lavender with layers of puff, lace and more fluff and stuff. I am a human triple scoop of bubble gum ice cream. This could be a dress worn by a B list actress on the cover of People Magazine's Worse Dressed with the caption "when bad dress happens to good people". State of mind: possible to purchase a princess piece at pauper's price. Shouldn’t all women own a ball gown just in case?
Item: A delicious red Karl Lagerfeld beaver sleeveless shrug. Tiny little piece of article like the size of a kitchen hand towel. It fastens in the front. Looks like lingerie that Conan the Barbarian would give to his cavewoman for Valentine: furry chest bra plate. Quite useless except it feels good to the touch. I like fur. I like red. State of mind: I like fur. I like red.
Item: An Angelo Tarlazzi white coat covered entirely with glass diamonds the size of giant Indonesian cockroaches. I am a walking disco ball. I am performance art. State of mind: Look at me! I am as bright and dazzling as the sun and moon. I am Miss Universe. I give thee light.

It occurred to me that worse clothing choices were always white. White is the representation of all colors. However, the human eye interprets as an absence of color like an empty sheet of paper. Unbeknownst to me, I may have been creating the characters of who I wish to become. If I can somehow remove all that jazz, I can really use the blank canvas to paint a genuine self-portrait, instead of hiding behind a facade of embellishments, abstract art and mostly... a skin that is not mine.

There Exists Eternal Lust

Does eternal lust exists?

Usually it's 4 legged and of the furry variety. There is nothing more heartrending and endearing than to look at an adorable cuddly pile of fur. Its "cuteness" is so overwhelmingly intoxicating that you want to chop it, saute it, and eat it up! Yums!

The visual is uniquely satisfying. No need to touch or have contact. Just simply looking at this ball of lushness makes life a beautiful place to be. It's a walking, eating, barking, pooping stuffed animal! Every little tyke has a special toy with a secret wish or imagining that it was alive. This is it folks, your bundle of furryness and loveliness in a breathing, walking and interacting mode. It's your doggie, meow meow, bunny, hamster, gopher, iguana and the likes.

The real lusty experience comes in a physical contact form too. You snuggle in its fur, sniff its paws, inhale its essence, rub its face, spank its bottom, pet it and treat it like a baby doll...You make love to your pet. So darn satisfying to molest its warm soft body. So tender. Pure bliss. It makes you want to be in the fetus position. You want to steam it and inhale it whole! Delish!

I've been blessed to have 3 great love affairs during my life time. My first lover was a big hairy English who was robust yet sensitive and sweet. Second was a coy mysterious Persian ( great in bed!) and now my current lover is an adorable exotic Tibetan who is smart, friendly and the biggest love of my life. It makes my life bearable, truly worth living. There were some one night stands or those that lasted a week but they were never fulfilling. They either died or ran away from me. Was it something I did?

Each lover had its own different personality and beauty but all have one thing in common: my love for them continues even in memory and especially in heart.

Why do Chicks Talk Forever and How to do it Right

Why is it that women have this insatiable need to talk? And what the hell is there to blab all day? And all night?

There is something extremely comforting if not pleasurable knowing we can hold something in our hand, punch a series of numbers (speed dial if you're a total pro), hoping for a ring tone knowing that our opportunity of happiness near if a human voice appears. That simple act of calling is the beginning of the Chick-Blab-Fest Ceremony. Princess phone, dirty mangled cord kitchen wall phone, sleek Bang & Olfusen substitutes as sex toy phone, Save-On pharmacy's cheap plastic phone, chic metallic Razor cell phone, Blackberry crackberry doubles as t.v. remote control cell phone, Mickey Mouse phone, Barbie phone, Hello Kitty phone....It's all good phone. Requirement: something for your mouth to blab into and something for your ears to hear blab. Advice: speaker phone a plus if hands get tired and allows multi tasking i.e. e-mail or IM a different person on computer to get all your communication needs met. It's not really cheating as long as the other person doesn't know and you can offer a reasonable intelligent response.

There are also many factors to consider when preparing for this ritual. Setting up Shop, Privacy, and Comfort . Setting up Shop is the strategic area where marathon talk will take place as this will determine the ambiance of the highly anticipated experience. Lying in bed or lounging on couch (chaise if you're house is Über avant garde) are for hard core talkers as this set up is conducive to endless hours of chatter, laughter, tears, and heartrending therapy induced session into the wee hours. There are no physical limitation as this is the most sought after bodily position available to date. You can fall asleep immediately and if stretching is needed, just do it-nobody can tell. Privacy is extremely important as you don't want to edit or censor any content of juicy nasty thoughts. You want to be able to say f*&# this and f*&# that as often as needed(because it feels good) and freely express your honest to God feelings without worries of being judged by a passer by. Door closed and preferably locked is ideal as nothing is more of a total boner killer when your lover is creating the mood by romantically describing his triple X rated fantasy of how he wants to ravish you just to have your kids barge in screaming "I'm hungry, what's for dinner!" Bedroom or a place where there is an absence of human traffic is best. Stolen hotel's "Do Not Disturb" sign is a good prop to use for further emphasis, just make sure it's not the "Housekeeping Welcome" side. Pratically you also want to be near a bathroom should you need a quick pit stop and have food within reach for energy sustenance. I will deal later with which kind of food is best to eat while on the phone) It's also a good idea to have writing material handy should you need to jot down pertinent information you won't want to forget such as name of a new diet, phone number of highly recommended therapist, website of closed out discontinued lipstick, etc. When ready to talk forever, think of comforts that would enhance this sport. Change into your jammies, remove all accessories especially earring and hair doodads, go to the bathroom for relief, take off your make up in case you eventually fall into slumber land, and eat before or better yet, prepare snack items to munch on to make this event even more fun-filled. Foods to consider for snacking while on phone should be clean and easy to handle. They should be finger foods or foods eaten from one hand. Food shouldn't be messy, greasy, sloppy, or drippy. Un juicy fruits are good, so are crackers, chips, and cookies (do warn other party in advance as courtesy for some serious cracklin' sound effect), veggie sticks, cheese in assorted shapes, and breads not toast as there are no crumbs to contend with. Chewing gum is okay as long as you're not an annoying person. Soups, noodles and especially the combo noodle soup is tricky. Technically it's doable as long as it's on a flat surface and you can feed yourself with one hand. Slurping is unattractive however you need to prioritize which is more important: being a courteous and likeable phone talker while painfully eating in silence or be the pig you truly are and slurp all you want. Really bad food choices are those requiring two hands usage. Piece of steak, big juicy hamburger with the works, corn on the cob, spare ribs, and fried chicken. If on speaker phone, disregard this paragraph and eat whatever the hell you want. If you have the mute feature, go for the noodle soup combo.

Your telephone partner of choice is the most important criteria to make this gab blab fest satisfying and rewarding. All the highest thread count bed sheets, buffet spread of goodies and silk jammies for maximum comfort is nothing if on the other side of the telephone lies a dead weight or dead fish. Or just dead. Your speaking partner should know how to speak your own language, has no apparent hearing problem, and can effectively communicate comprehension of what has just been said and to articulate an intelligent response.

Chicks like to just talk about nothing and everything. Repetition is key. They like to run off in chronological order of banal things they did for the day and insert experiences in them. "Went to the new dry cleaner and their price is a total rip...The owner was hot though!" Somehow and somewhere relationship is the number one topic chicks will eventually get around to talk about. After the appetizer of "what did you do today", the main course is always relationship based and dessert is the juicy core part of it. If they are talking to their boyfriends, it's delving into needing to know where they are in the relationship. Nothing make dudes run faster than to hear "honey, let's work on our relationship". Any topic remotely near relationship between the two talkers can range anywhere between 1 to 24 hours in length non stop. Again, repetition is key. Between two chicks, the relationship topic is about their past, present and future boyfriends. This topic can range anywhere between 1 to 24 hours in length non stop. Again, repetition is key. If there exists no current boyfriend/girlfriend issue, than the subject of relationship will concern other people's relationship ie. Gossips of people's failing marriage, who digs who, and the everyone's favorite of who's doing who. Single person topic includes asshole bosses, asshole clients, dysfunctional family member, out of control kids, bitches, and pricks. Even total strangers get airtime. "that bitch totally cut me off at the freeway". There will always be a "featured" guest topic. During the talk marathon, a conversation will focus on one person to analyze and criticized for our gossiping pleasure. "What do you think of Mary's new blonde hair? I think she looks like a total skank ho bag. Her boobs are totally fake. She's so totally with that dude for his money... He was so totally hitting at every chick last night...." Again, repetition is key.

There are topics that will always be repeated because we enjoy talking about them. Again, repetition is key. If you really dissect a conversation between two chicks, there really is just a handful of different subjects. The lengthy phone conversation is about beating a subject to death and repeating this topic as it's comforting to know we own it. It's territorial. If you live with someone, for a passer by, it's difficult to discern whether it's a new conversation because all conversations sound the same. Today's versus last week's versus 2 month's ago...Same old same old.

Chicks like to talk about their feelings and emotions. We are creatures that need nuturing. This is free therapy. We listen to ourselves and right there and then we realize the next course of action. As a matter of fact, while your friend rambles on about her new dude or whatever that night's issue is.......Go to the bathroom, grab a snack from the fridge, come back and you'll hear "thanks girlfriend, you always help me out...Now I know what the deal is..." You think to yourself, wow...That was the easiest 15 minutes of doing nothing and you got credit for it. Score. Try it next time, they wouldn't even know you were missing in action. Chicks like to listen to themselves. It makes them feel important as what they have to say makes a difference in the world. That's what boyfriends are for. They exist to listen, a sounding board. They're not big talkers so they might as well contribute to your life to be big listeners. There is also an art to listening. But that's another blog title for another time.

This act of gabbing is two-fold: It's really part therapy for ourselves and those in need and part chick bonding. We communicate to know who we are through talking about everything and nothing and time pass surely fast when you're having fun....